boo rests in my arms as i write this. well, technically in his ergo carrier, leaving me hands-free to type, a blessed gift for which i and my employer both are grateful, since i am back at work on campus. occasionally with baby in tow.

boo and i have spent the last two months getting our houses in order — literally and figuratively. we have been cleaning and organizing and painting, preparing our home for boo and bitsy to be at home FT. next month we’re shifting from daycare for bitsy to an in-home, PT nanny for the two of them. mac and i are going to what so many academic couples do around the country and swing our schedules so that they don’t overlap much (we can’t manage to prevent them from overlapping at all), giving us more time at home with the kids, where we can keep our eyes on their various goings-ons and maybe, oh, help ensure that we all know each other a little bit. our nanny is a gem — a craigslist gem, thank HEAVENS for craigslist — and we’re all excited. in preparation we’re sharpening up the house, organizing toys, play areas, arts & craft supplies, etc. (i just hope the nanny plans to stay tuned to hgtv, so that she and the kidlets can jazz up the house a la vern yip et al.)

this physical work has helped me to realize just how much psychological work this is, too. when our first piece of good-in-the-old-house-but-not-in-the-new-house furniture was walked out the door to its new owner i felt a weight lift. walking the dogs a bit later, i realized that what i was feeling was the lifting of depression. when i think about it (i try not to dwell, but you know how that goes) i realize how awful things have been since mae died. i knew they were hard, and i knew that focusing on boo was partly essential for getting him here and partly emotional deferral, but i’m only now realizing that what i was carrying around with me, the parts of me that i wrote off to pregnancy but really probably weren’t, was genuine depression.  and it feels good to be saying good bye to all that.