lately i’ve been dreaming about boo, post-delivery. in my dreams he is a dark-haired, chubby beauty who never cries and who is several days old before i realize i have not been feeding him. so i take him to my breast and try to teach him to latch on. in one dream he is a brilliant latcher but there is no milk. in the other dream he gums me lethargically as i slowly realize i’ve been starving my baby to death. in that dream i march to the doctor’s office and immediately demand domperidone, insisting that they should have seen this problem coming because my breasts so obviously deflated at the end of the pregnancy. i am told not to worry and  to try a host of other remedies first — all of which i refuse, insisting that domperidone is the only thing that will work.

a few mornings ago, still sleepy enough to be amused at my dream-self for forgetting to feed the baby for several days, i told mac about my dreams. he looked at me half-seriously and said “y’know, your breasts have been looking smaller to me lately.”  can’t be true, right? doesn’t happen? it’s gotta be the ratio of belly-to-breast, no?

meanwhile my anxiety has extended itself to boo’s delivery. odds are good he will come to us via c-section, either the one that is scheduled or the one that is likely to happen when i show up at the hospital in labor. i find myself obsessing over whether i’ll get to see him in that first, crucial hour when newborns are calm and receptive. i love the idea that mac will have him during that time, and that they’ll get some kangaroo care — when i returned from bitsy’s c-section, this is how how i found bitsy and her dad — but i also want some of that time for myself. post-surgery with bitsy my o.r. nurse decided that i didn’t need to stay in the recovery room, so she took me back to my regular room almost immediately. i want the same thing with boo. i want to see this child, to hold him and gaze into his eyes, to feel him next to me. i can’t stand the thought of delivering him, and then still having to wait.

scary, all this wanting.