after effie died i found driving very difficult. in particular, there were a few roads i followed regularly that had curves requiring drivers either to slow down or slam into a concrete wall. i often fantasized about not slowing down, about slamming, and slamming, and slamming. i was never actually tempted, i never had to talk myself out of this act of self-destruction, but i thought about it every time i faced those curves.

this morning on the way to work i passed a car stalled on the shoulder of the highway. for the briefest instant i had a flash of brain-muscle memory and saw myself veering right and slamming into it. not that i wanted to, or would even have considered actually doing it. but my brain went there.

it’s in those flashes, when they hit, even though they’re rare, that i know my body and mind still miss my daughters, that i know my body and mind still have some healing left to do.